I have had to face and fight inner demons for as long as I can remember. I was always afraid, always doubting who I am, never able to let go of my own hurtful thoughts. Never being good enough for anyone else killed any hope that I could ever be enough to deserve the life I desired for myself. It was a losing battle for a long time. I engaged in a lot of self destructive behavior and frankly when I think back to those days it not only makes me grateful that I am alive but so sad for the girl who thought she was a throw away; not deserving of kindness much less love. Very few people in my life know that side of me because it’s what I wanted. I didn’t want pity or for anyone to know what was really happening to me at home. My problems were no one else’s business. My pain wasn’t up for public inspection.
At 17 I lost my grandfather. He was the only father I had in my life, the only man who loved me and wanted nothing but for me to grow into the person he knew I could be. The next few years were rough. In the end I hope I made him proud but it took time and someone who loved me, even when I couldn’t. He fought for me like no one else besides my grandfather. I honestly didn’t know why he bothered in the beginning. There were so many other girls who were way prettier, smarter, thinner, stable, secure in themselves, not terrified of being touched, not afraid of the world. I brought my inner chaos to his life and he faced it head on, so that meant I had to as well. Was it easy? Hell no! It has been a daily uphill struggle to be “normal”. Therapy helped. It helped me realize that I wasn’t nearly as screwed up as others who had faced similarly horrific experiences. I was also diagnosed with a mental health disorder and began taking medication to get it under control. I didn’t realize what it was even though I saw the symptoms; I just couldn’t connect it to what was going on in my head. I hate to admit it because it makes me feel weak for not being able to fix it on my own, but the medication has made a real difference.
Years later I have had to face the fact that I am who I am. I’ll never be able to erase my childhood, I will always be on medication and I will continue to have anxiety issues, but it’s ok. No one is perfect. Some of us are fixer uppers that have been passed over time after time, disappointed and hurt, left standing empty. However, it only takes one person willing to put in the time and help patch the holes in your heart to bring you back from the edge of condemnation. I am thankful everyday that even though my grandfather can’t be here, he sent me the one man who could love me, in spite of me.