Life, anxiety and meds – taking you where you need to be.

Someone recently reminded me that life is a journey laid out before us like a twisting road, always hiding what’s just around the curve.  It makes me nervous.  For the longest time I’ve been just living day to day, working away at a job I hated because it was what I knew and I made good money.  I like money but I’m afraid of heights so as I ascended the corporate mountain I closed my eyes.  I focused on what the money would mean to my family not realizing, once again, my life wasn’t about me.

There are people in this world wired to find happiness in bringing joy to others  but for some the happiness ratio can get skewed when they aren’t a priority to themselves.  Moms and wives do that a lot contributing to the high divorce rate.  No matter how hard you try, you can’t make a home a truly happy environment when you feel in your heart that you don’t deserve it.  This concept is causing me a lot of anxiety right now.  I don’t want the people I love to be hurt by my actions.  I feel selfish.  It’s stupid I know (my husband told me) but my brain can’t let go of the idea of my joy bringing sorrow to someone else.

I’ve been having repeated debates with myself about how to deal with the money and happiness issues, quickly followed by an anxiety attack then medication.  I have however, told my husband that I won’t be going back to my previous field of work, accounting.  Well at least not in a regular office.   This decision is going to mean a lot of  changes in our lifestyle, not all bad, but change can still be difficult even in the best of circumstances.

Making the decision to ditch the career path was step one.  Step two was telling my husband and this blog is step three.  I’m not sure what the fourth step of this adventure will be, I haven’t been able to get past three yet, but here’s to hoping for solid footing and strong stairs.

Smile – you never know when it might brighten someone’s day!


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